Board Thread:Questions and Answers/@comment-44915934-20200204143658/@comment-44915934-20200207045423

MakePeaceAndLove wrote: Glad to see another post from you, Nimlasher! And with revisions plus a new story, too! Now that I've read them all, I'll try to give some constructive feedback on these stories.

Let me get any errors I've noticed out of the way first. >.> In "Research Assistance" three bits caught my attention: -"once again swallowed hard he the first spurt coated the back of her throat." - that 'he' should be 'as', I'm guessing? And in the sentence after that one... -"as soon as his cock finished firing it’s load" - 'its' load, a minor detail, but it changes the meaning to 'it is' and 'it is load' makes no sense. Then, at the very end... -"and as she pulled away, she moaned softly under her breath, and whisper to him." - it should be 'whispered' to match 'moaned', since the narration is in the past tense.

"A Loving Experiment" looks clean to me, at least nothing there jumped out at me, while in "A Much Needed Break" I found these:

-"She shuttered slightly at his touch" - That should be 'shuddered', surely? And then, soon after... -"She felt it hard not to buck her hips on him" - Here I wonder... this should be 'found' instead of 'felt', right? She definitely felt something, but you 'find something hard' when it's hard/difficult to resist. And next.... -"The sensations causing her to prop herself up on her forearms as the wet slapping sound of their bodies slamming against each other assaulting her ears and driving her further up the wall in her own ecstasy." - This sentence has a subtle problem, it's missing a word to complete it. You could fix it a few different ways, though I suggest writing 'kept' between 'each other' and 'assaulting', that way the rest of the sentence can stay unchanged and you keep the same meaning, too. Finally... -"Robin pushed herself up on the table, careful not to dislodged the wonderful cock" - In this sentence it should be 'dislodge', without the 'd' at the end, since you used 'careful not to (do something)' here.

With that said, I enjoyed reading them a lot. ^_^ I think you did a good job revising the first two, the added details and longer scenes make a difference, especially for 'Research Assistance' so it doesn't end abruptly anymore. And in 'A Much Needed Break' I like all those small details you added to show the intimacy in Robin and Simon's relationship, like starting from a kiss and staying close after they were done. Robin's curiosity in trying a position where she couldn't see everything and just focusing on what she could feel was also a nice touch. And hey, at this length, it doesn't feel like it ends too soon at all, so you got that part down.

I have two suggestions for you to think about in future works... First, unless my memory fails me, Simon's Incubus King powers give him some sex advantages. I think Yarra and Riala explained it early on, that Simon can make his seed completely sterile or perfectly fertile whenever he wants, and that he can cum on demand or hold back for hours if he wishes. This showed as soon as Yarra's scene before leaving Feroholm, since even with her succubus charm and powers she couldn't crack his control. On the other hand, Simon can be overwhelmed when his ladies really put in the effort, as shown during the Stineford orgy scene, when he managed to satisfy Yarra, Aka and Qum, but then the trio joined together to bring him to orgasm too... and wasn't there something about Simon needing even more stimulation as his Incubus King powers grow? It's worth double-checking maybe, but I'm curious to see a scene where you can use that somehow, just like Riala is an exceptionally powerful and skilled succubus, Simon is a literal sex god... and that has certain perks.

My second suggestion is that you could try placing the scene you write in the context of the game, somewhere, sometime. When and where is totally up to you, but this will provide extra detail that you might not want to spend long paragraphs spelling out and delaying the scene itself. Maybe Riala is doing research before the Council of Gawnfall, or maybe Robin and Simon are working hard on Aka's cure and hoping to finish it before the Battle of Yhilin, worried that Aka's condition seems worse even with Simon refreshing her regularly? Even one sentence could do the job, or you can add more details if you want to paint a clearer picture, especially if you get creative and try to take the story in a different direction than the game took - that's also part of being a fanfic author, although staying true to your source material has its benefits too. And of course, if you decide to try this, please add a spoiler warning (I suppose Riala being an ally is kind of a spoiler for those readers that haven't played the game, but I digress >.>).

That's all from me. Thanks again for writing these, Nimlashes, and good luck with your future stories. ^_^ Ah, thank you so much for responding.

For the spelling and grammatical errors, thank you for bringing these to my attention. I typically do a lot of my proof-reading during and immediately after writing a particular scene, so often times my eyesight is kinda burnt out from staring at my screen all day and I miss little things like that. I'll fix those errors immediately.

I'm very glad you enjoyed the revisions and details as well as the new scene. I'm glad I was able to get something good out for you all.

In regards to your suggestions, in order - First suggestion: I was very seriously playing around with the power aspect of Simon's shard in "A Much Needed Break", but no matter what I came up with it felt awkward or silly, so I opted to take it out. Honestly characters with powers such as these I find difficult to write for since the power itself is so malliable it makes a hyper-fluidic mess in most peoples hands in terms of storyline. It's handled beautifully in the context of the game, without a doubt, but I still need some work with it in order to really give it the "oomph" it deserves. I feel my own confidence in it is my only real limiting factor though, so I'll definitely put forth the effort to try to include it a little bit more.

Second suggestion: This is something I hesitate to do, mostly because I'm a bit of a lore-buff and I want my works to make sense to me in regards to the settings they take place in. The "What if" scenarios are something I would consider doing, but I would have to find a way to justify the actions that I would have the characters doing, so there might not be many of these coming along. I'll work on one, surely, but the majority of my writings are most likely going to be "Off to the side" in terms of continuity to the main story. A secondary aspect is "what would be acceptable" in terms of what I could do with the characters. For example; Say I chose to write a scene about Altina's experiences with the Orcs. I know a lot of people play and love this game for the simple fact that there's not a whole lot of rape-type scenes in it(and that really differentiates it from other games of this genre). This means that not a whole lot of people would really be comfortable with (at least in my mind) reading a story about how she's just repeatedly getting mind-broken and gang-raped by dozens of orcs every day. The opposite of this instance is that I take the same scene, but make her completely willing and just absolutely love it right from the get go, and that she's just so eager to do all these things, which would defeat the purpose of her character development entirely. This is a really specific example, but the principle behind it remains the same. I know that I'm looking WAY too hard into this aspect of it, and I know for a fact that I'm overcomplicating it, but that's just how I operate in this type of thing.

Again, thank you so much for your words and the criticisms you provided. They really do help me greatly. Hopefully I'll be able to do these regularly, as I love this entire setting and I love expanding my writing.